Don't...Just Don't

Today, one of my friends on Facebook lost her father. It was sudden. I know how that feels. Five years ago I lost my father (only two months after he had a heart attack.) Then my mother, who had been battling a long-term illness, died 28 days later.

Grief sucks. It's unimaginable unless you've been on that crazy train yourself. And while there are really no words that can help take away the grief or pain of loss, we had so many people reach out to us during that time.

"I'm so sorry" was probably what we heard the most. And it helped. People who shared memories and moments they had with my parents also helped us smile through our tears. Hugs. Lots and lots of hugs while we cried.

But not once did someone tell me to not be sad.

My friend had someone tell her not to be sad that her father had died. Three hours after it happened.

I'm hoping that the person who said this to my friend had a heart that was in the right place. She may have meant that he isn't suffering anymore. He's in Heaven and we will see him again one day. She may have meant to think of the good memories that they had with him.

But it was an incredibly insensitive thing to say.

It's OK to be sad. It's OK to be angry. It's OK to hurt and scream and cry and curl up in a ball on the far side of your bed in the corner and not come out for an hour or two. It's OK to want to talk about it one minute and then not want to talk about it the next. It's OK to not want to do things the way you have always done because it hurts too much. It's OK to have feelings. Even the messy ones that make other people uncomfortable.

And these feelings will continue well past the funeral and graveside service.

When my dad died, I looked at my husband and told him I think I finally understood why grief hurts so much. We weren't created to be separated. When God made Adam and Eve, they were supposed to live forever. Together. But choices were made and one of the results of those choices was having to deal with the death of loved ones.

Is there hope that as a Christian, I will see my family again? Absolutely. Is there the promise that we will never be separated again? Definitely.

But for now, grief is the reality that has invaded our lives. And my friend's life as well.

So when you have the opportunity to comfort someone who has lost a loved one, please give them the best gift of all...the gift of grieving, in their own way. Stand by their side, hold their hand, do a load of laundry for them, bring over a meal and dessert, keep asking them to join you to do things you guys have always enjoyed (and let them say no without making them feel guilty), let them talk, let them share the same memory over and over again, let them ask the unanswerable questions without trying to answer...


Just please, whatever else you do, do not tell them to not be sad.